Still Losing the Comparison Game? Time to Quit Playing!
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
~ Theodore Roosevelt ~
It happens so fast you almost don’t see it coming. You’re going about your day when something—or someone—crosses your path and bam, there it is: comparison. Suddenly, you're questioning where you’re at, what you’re doing, how you look, or what you have compared to those around you.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we torment our minds with the idea that we’re not enough? One thought leads to another, and soon you’re reflecting on past mistakes, second-guessing decisions, or beating yourself up for not trying harder. It’s exhausting—and deeply unfair to ourselves.
At its core, comparison is simply our way of examining ourselves under a microscope and using what we see to determine our worth—our success, or our failure.
The Psychology Behind Comparison
So why do we do this?
Psychologically speaking, comparison—whether upward (to those we perceive as “above” us) or downward (to those we see as “below”)—stems from a basic human need: social connection. We crave approval, acceptance, and belonging. At the same time, we fear rejection, criticism, and being cast out.
According to Social Comparison Theory, first introduced by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, humans have a built-in drive to evaluate themselves by comparing to others. It’s part of how we understand where we fit in.
But in our modern world, especially with the influence of social media, comparison often shifts from evaluation to self-worth. Instead of using comparison as a tool for growth, it becomes a weapon of self-doubt.
Upward comparisons—those “she’s better than me” moments—can tank our self-esteem, increase anxiety, and even lead to depressive symptoms, particularly when we’re already feeling emotionally vulnerable (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology). We’re not just observing others—we’re judging ourselves against them.
The Inner Critic at Work
“Stay in your own lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy. There is no quicker way to devalue your work and yourself than to compare yourself to someone else.”
~ Brené Brown ~
We compare unfairly. We stack others’ highlight reels against our behind-the-scenes bloopers. And our inner critic—that harsh voice in our head—uses comparison as ammunition. Every scroll, every glance, every casual comment feeds the fire.
What If Comparison Isn’t the Enemy?
Here’s the truth: comparison itself isn’t the problem—it’s what we do with it.
When used mindfully, comparison can actually inspire us. A 2018 study in Motivation and Emotion found that people who made upward comparisons with a growth mindset felt more motivated and took positive action toward self-improvement.
Instead of seeing others as competition, they saw them as possibility.
That’s the key: making the shift from envy to inspiration.
5 Ways to Make the Shift From Judgment to Compassion
Build Self-Awareness
Awareness interrupts the downward spiral and gives you a chance to take back control. Catch the comparison as it’s happening by asking yourself:
What triggered this thought?
What story am I telling myself right now?
Challenge the Story
Challenge the narrative. Rewriting the story allows for compassion and truth to take the lead. When you think, “She’s so much better than me,” ask:
What strengths am I ignoring in myself?
Would I ever say this to a friend?
Turn Envy into Inquiry
Curiosity opens the door to growth. It’s not about being her—it’s about becoming you. Rather than thinking, “I wish I had what she has,” reframe it:
What can I learn from her?
What do I admire, and how can I cultivate that in myself?
Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Remember, no one’s journey is a straight line. Everyone has setbacks, detours, and doubts.
Celebrate your own steps forward, no matter how small. That’s what momentum is made of.
Practice Gratitude & Self-Compassion
Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring what’s hard, it just means noticing what’s already good. This is not about the stuff we own, but the moments, the people, the simple things we often overlook. We all get to make the choice to either dwell on what’s missing, or start appreciating what’s right in front of us.
Redefining Success On Your Terms
At the end of the day, comparison can either be a prison or a path to learn and grow on. You get to choose whether you will look at the successes of others as motivation or self-criticism.
Remember, you are already enough and it’s okay to grow from where you are. Not to keep up with anyone else, but because you want more for yourself.
“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.”
~ Anonymous ~
